Are Goals Helpful?

Are You In Charge Of Your Goals Or Are They In Charge Of You?

Many of us like to set goals for ourselves, like New Year’s resolutions.  But are they helpful?  The answer is, it depends.  It all depends on which part of you is setting the goal - your sage (wise self) or your saboteur (inner critic).  If it’s the latter, you are likely to end up in a situation where your goals are in charge of you and not the other way around. Let me tell you a story to illustrate how this can happen.

The Slippery Slope Of Personal Goals

My client Rachel is an extremely attractive and fit woman in her 50s.  She is a highly successful professional with lots of ambition.  This New Year, Rachel set a goal to go on a restrictive diet for 30 days.  I doubt anyone else thought that Rachel needed to lose a few pounds, but she did.  That conclusion, no doubt, came from her Judge saboteur.  We all have a Judge – your inner critic who is quick to point out all of your flaws.  You likely hear your Judge’s voice in your head constantly with an endless list of things you “need” to fix about yourself.  So if your Judge leads the way in setting  a resolution to fix something that is “wrong” with you, that is a first step toward an unhelpful resolution.  So right off the bat, Rachel was firmly in one saboteur’s grip – her Judge. Then her Controller saboteur came along to point out to Rachel that, in this time of Pandemic and loss of control over so many aspects of life, here was something she could control. 

Last but certainly not least, Rachel’s Hyper-Achiever saboteur joined the chorus.  Like most people with strong Hyper-Achiever saboteurs, Rachel loves goals.  They give structure to her life, give her something to aim for. She likes the feeling of setting a challenge for herself and then achieving it. Otherwise, life can be a little bland.  Rachel has always done this and the results have been largely positive - she has achieved a lot.  But, as Rachel discovered, there is a big difference between having an empowering goal and having a “fixing” goal.  

Because Rachel is a highly self disciplined woman, she was able to buckle down and follow the diet without “cheating” once.  But by week three, she was not feeling well.  This extraordinarily fit woman was getting winded walking up the stairs. She felt weak and tired most of the time.  She knew her body was not thriving on this diet, but she persisted.  She is not one to back off a challenge!  Besides, she only had a week to go.

One day as she was enjoying skiing time with her husband, she hit a wall.  She just had to stop and rest.  Uncharacteristically, she quit early and waited for her husband in the lodge.  When he joined her, he asked what was wrong.  She told him that she was tired.  Now, this couple has been married for years.  And Rachel’s husband knows that she is relentless once she has set a goal.  He asked her gently, “Honey, why are you doing this to yourself? I know you can do it. You always do what you set out to do.  Who are you trying to impress?”  Good question!

As we explored the question of who she was trying to impress, two things became really clear. One was that the only person Rachel was trying to impress was herself (or more specifically, her Judge and her Hyper-Achiever saboteurs).  The other thing that became clear is that Rachel’s Hyper-Achiever saboteur was having a field day.  

The Hyper-Achiever saboteur aims to win regardless of the cost.  It tells you that if you miss your goal, you are a failure.  And your Judge (remember the Judge who had you think something was wrong in the first place) will chime in to agree and tell you that failures are unworthy of love. The stakes are huge!  No wonder you feel pressure!

What Your Hyper-Achiever Doesn’t Want You to Know. 

Like all saboteurs, our Hyper-Achiever lies to us.  It tells us that all of our success is due to its relentless drive.  We think we need them!  But, is that really true?  

Imagine what would happen if you disengaged your Hyper-Achiever saboteur.  What if, instead of just setting a goal you think you should meet, you tuned into your deepest desires to see what you truly wanted and you set a goal from that place?  

Then you went about working toward that goal, not with Hyper-Achiever energy of “failure is not an option,” but with purposeful sage-driven action.  Sage action is driven by a deep desire to achieve something important to your soul, your true self.  You aren’t doing it to prove something to yourself, so your worth as a human being is not at risk.  You are loved whether you succeed or fail. 

If Rachel were to approach making her resolution from a sage place, she might have discovered that her real objective was to eat healthier so she would feel better, not necessarily to lose pounds or follow a specific diet.  Knowing that was her goal, she might share that goal with her family so they could support her and perhaps join her in collectively setting a goal to eat more fruits and vegetables and to eat less junk food for 30 days.  Perhaps they could make a game of it to see who could come up with the most delicious recipes?  Or to see who could incorporate the most colors of vegetables in a single meal?  They could even have cooking competitions.  Who knows?  She would be engaging her sage super powers of exploration, innovation and activation.  With the sage power of empathy, she could course correct if her plan was having unintended ill effects.  And with her super power of navigation, she could set a path that incorporated her deepest values - her love of family and friends, her commitment to good health and fitness and her desire to “raise her game.”   All of these paths might have led to a more powerful result than if her effort were driven by her hyper-achiever saboteur.  

Our Saboteurs Are Our Best Qualities Taken to an Extreme

Here’s a little secret.  Our saboteurs are really just our best qualities run amok.  Hyper-achievers have lots of attributes to admire. They are pragmatic, adaptable, goal-oriented and self-directed.  They have strong ambitions to be excellent at what they do.  And they can be very inspiring.  There is a lot to like.   You might even think of being goal-oriented as one of your great strengths.  I know that’s how I related to my Hyper-Achiever saboteur.  Before I fully understood it, I thought of it as my secret weapon.  I knew that once I set my sights on achieving a certain result I would not stop until I did.  That can indeed be considered a strength, especially in the American culture we live in.  

When we deploy these qualities of ambition, self-discipline and excellence in sage mode, with empathy, curiosity, and innovation, acting with clarity and purpose in the service of our most deeply held values, these become powerful tools.  All that changes when the Hyper-Achiever saboteur emerges. Your Hyper-Achiever saboteur is a relentless boss, never satisfied with anything you accomplish.  Once you reach a goal, your hyper-achiever soon finds another goal you simply must achieve.  There is no time to rest, no time to celebrate.  Only more to do.  Thus, it is quite common for folks with a strong Hyper-Achiever to have workaholic tendencies.  

Engage your Sage to Experience Ease and Flow

Goals set from the sage perspective can be empowering tools for positive growth. The key component is the presence of the sage (positive) energy. There is no power in saboteur energy.  Only sage energy can help us become our best selves.

If you want to learn more about how to engage your sage and move away from saboteur energy, reach out to me for a free, no-obligation conversation.   I have a new PQ course starting on March 26th and I would love to have you join me!