Life Handing You a Challenge? Learn to Surf

My sister folded her arms and frowned at the nurse trying to take a blood sample. “No more testing,” she said. “No more.”

I was sitting beside her hospital bed and holding her hand. “They need to do more testing to find out what is wrong with you. They’re just trying to take care of you.”

“No.” she insisted. 

After several minutes of convincing, she reluctantly allowed the nurse to do her job.

My older sister is in the midst of a very serious health challenge that has affected her cognitive abilities. She doesn’t understand what’s happening to her and she is terribly afraid, as we all would be in her place. And the more afraid she is, the more she tries to control. The more she tries to exert control, the more upset she gets when control proves impossible.

After spending a few hours with her and watching this scene repeat itself over and over again, I thought about how often we try to exert control over our lives. The more we are challenged, the harder we try to control. We operate under the assumption that, if we work hard enough and do the right things, our lives will turn out as we want them to. When things don’t go our way, fear kicks in and we double down on our efforts to control. We try to manage all the variables so that we get the results we seek. But then something unexpected happens. Something comes out of left field that we weren’t anticipating and we are left scrambling. We become the deer in the headlights. Frozen. What do we do now? And, almost invariably, our knee-jerk reaction is to try and exert more control. It’s our ingrained habit. 

I see this happen to my clients - and to me, truth be told – all the time. The fearful response is followed by an attempt to control. It never works, but we keep trying. What I say to my clients - and to myself - is that we have to learn to surf. 

Life comes at us in waves. One moment we are swimming peacefully in calm waters going about our business and the next we are caught by a rogue wave, or for some like my sister, a once-in-lifetime tsunami. Our mistake is to think the wave isn’t coming; it is. And when it comes, we can’t ignore it and we can’t control it. We have to surf. 

A surfer doesn’t try to swim away from a wave; you can’t swim fast enough. And you can’t stop and let it slam into you, you will be pulled under. The only way to surf is to move with the wave and go with its flow. It’s counterintuitive, but it's true. The only way out is through.

So it is with life’s inevitable challenges. We can’t avoid them. They will keep coming back, usually worse than before. And we can’t control them, no matter how much we want to believe that we can. We have to lean in and respond to what is happening at THIS moment. Not the moment we planned for, not the moment we wanted to be in, but the moment we are actually in. 

Great athletes in peak moments are a study in grace. They aren’t trying to exert control; they are relaxed and in flow. They make it look easy, almost effortless. And we on the sidelines watch in awe. How do they do that? It’s not as though they are just winging it. They practice for long hours. It’s not that they aren’t prepared; they are extremely well prepared. The difference is they are fully present in the moment. They are not caught up in their heads, judging themselves for whatever they just did or failed to do. They are exactly where they are at that moment, responding to what’s right in front of them. Letting go of judgment; letting go of fear.

Learning to let go is not easy. It’s not a skill that can be pulled out in the clutch for the first time. It must be practiced. Over and over again. It must become a habit. Start small, simply by learning to pause and be present at the moment, to see each moment of your life as it truly is. One way to practice is meditation. 

Anyone who has tried to meditate knows how hard it is to quiet the mind for more than a moment. Our “monkey minds” interrupt us constantly with thoughts like, “what’s that noise outside,” or “I wonder what’s for lunch,” or “I need to get next month’s budget done, why am I wasting time?” If we keep at it, eventually we will learn to do this less often, but that restlessness never goes away completely. It’s part of being human. So each time this happens, we recognize that our thoughts have strayed and we bring ourselves back to the breath. No blame, just notice and refocus.

To do it, simply sit in a chair with your feet flat on the floor and your spine straight but relaxed. Close your eyes, breathe, and follow your breath as you inhale and exhale – calmly and methodically, in and out, over and over. Try it for just two minutes. Work your way up to five minutes at a time. Then ten. Just ten minutes a day for 30 days will instill a habit. First thing in the morning, at lunch, after dinner, or before bed. Pick a time and stick with it for a few weeks. It’s that simple. And that hard.

I encourage my clients to learn to do “mini-meditations” in real-time. Like when you are stuck in traffic. You can’t do a thing about it and getting upset doesn’t help anything, least of all your blood pressure. So, instead of getting angry or worrying about being late, pause and focus on your breath for a couple of minutes. Shift your focus away from being upset and allow yourself to calm down. You will be in a much better frame of mind to consider your options. You might even find you can capitalize on the opportunity of having a little extra time in the car. Learning to surf in small ways like this will help you build a habit. The more often you flex these muscles, the stronger you get. Over time, you can take on bigger and bigger waves. 

In my coaching practice, I work with my clients to help them see their lives as they actually are. Often we think of our lives as a problem to be solved. Something we have to get right. When in fact, our lives are ours to live. Live in each moment. Live with whatever comes at us. Learn to surf.

I think of the misery my sister is going through. There truly is nothing in this circumstance that she can control. Her body is going through something that the doctors haven’t completely figured out. She desperately doesn’t want to be where she is. But no matter what she does, she is stuck there. The only thing she can do is be exactly where she is. She has to learn to surf. But it’s nearly impossible to learn to surf in a tsunami. 

If you want to learn how to surf the waves of life, contact me. I can help.