Try a Little Kindness
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ”
Have you ever done something you’ve regretted? Of course you have! We all have! The more important question is, what did you tell yourself after the fact? If you are like me and like most people on the planet, the truth is probably something like this: “You idiot. What on earth were you thinking? I can’t believe you just did that! You are such a … (fill in the blank).” You feel shame, guilt, any number of awful feelings and you just keep dwelling on it.
If you are like me, you have been reacting in this way to things you have done for most of your life. And chances are you watched your parents do the same thing to themselves. You are not alone in this. All human beings have an inner judge who criticizes us incessantly. In fact, we are designed that way. It’s called negativity bias and our species developed it as a way to protect ourselves from life-threatening dangers. We needed to remember things that went wrong so we could protect ourselves from putting ourselves in danger of threats like saber-tooth tigers and poisonous snakes. The negativity bias remains strong in us, even though we don’t face those life-threatening dangers every day.
If I were to ask you why you beat yourself up when you make mistakes, you might say something like “it’s good for me. I need to be aware of when I screw up so I won’t do it again.” Okay, so you think this is a good way to learn. Is that true?
Actually, it’s not. Beating yourself up starts a vicious cycle of negativity that will result in making you miserable AND less likely to change not more! Think about it. You make a mistake and you beat yourself up. You don’t just dwell on it, you wallow in it. You say things to yourself like “I can’t do anything right” and “when will I ever learn.” As you beat yourself up, you are filled with negative energy and that, in turn, colors the world you live in. Your negative energy can’t help but generate more negative energy in others around you. You judge others; they judge you. Your energy is used by perpetuating the cycle leaving you tired, depleted and discouraged. The cycle continues. You have created your very own personal hell. Where is the good in that? And what have you learned? Did the judgment help you to do better next time?
You might not even be aware that you are doing it, not consciously aware anyway. It’s automatic. A habit. And, like any habit, it can be changed. But changing it requires two things: that you notice you are doing it and that you decide to do it differently.
Next time you catch yourself judging yourself, PAUSE. Congratulate yourself for noticing! That’s a very important first step!
Notice the tone you use with yourself. Would you speak to anyone else the way you speak to yourself? Why do you think you deserve to be treated that way? Soften the tone and find empathy for the imperfect human being you (and all of us) are. No one is perfect; why do you expect yourself to be perfect?
One way to access self-empathy is to get quiet. Take a moment to close your eyes and tune into your breath. Or use one of my favorite techniques and focus on your sense of touch by gently rubbing two finger tips together, noticing the texture of the ridges in the fingertips. This never fails to calm me down even after just a minute or two.
Now make a choice about how you will respond. As Viktor Frankel sagely pointed out, it is in this pause and this choosing that freedom is found.
If there is indeed something to be learned from your mistake, here is the place to practice what we call “blameless discernment.” Practicing blameless discernment allows us to reflect on something that didn’t go the way we wanted it to, not for the purpose of assigning blame, but in order to identify how we could have done things differently. There is no emotion or negative tone in the discernment; this is an exercise in calm examination of the facts and what could be done to change the outcome in similar circumstances. The approach is one of curiosity and exploration coming from our “sage” selves, not our saboteurs. This is how we learn from our mistakes. Not by beating ourselves up.
Now, having shifted our focus from the negative (blaming ourselves) to the positive (self-empathy and curiosity), we are in a better position to think about what’s next. We consider our next step. We look to see what gift or opportunity might have arisen as a result of this situation. Is there something we can learn from it? Do we need to enhance our skills so we are able to face such a challenge more effectively in the future? Has this situation inspired us to make a change we would not have made otherwise? Do we use this opportunity to build our skills at noticing and then managing our self-judgment so that we are more adept at handling such setbacks in the future? There are so many ways we can learn from things that don’t go perfectly. But none of that learning - I repeat, none - happens when we are beating ourselves up.
It’s spring in Maine and I am busy cleaning all of the winter dust and webs from the corners of my home. It’s a wonderful time of year for seeing things in a new light, one filled with hope and optimism. There is no better time to let go of the negativity we have been holding onto - especially when it comes to ourselves.
Next time you mess up, try being a little kinder to yourself!
If you would like to learn more about how to stop your judge saboteur and nurture your self-empathy and other sage powers, please join me for my 8-week course in Positive Intelligence. The next class starts on May 21st!